Sister Sero Positivo, revered agony aunt to the openly gay and HIV positive Hollywood fraternity (still looking for new members) gives her unqualified opinions on how to be a better plusser and how to deal with the problems of not letting the bastards grind you down in a negative world. With over fifty years of theatre, spa and backroom experience, she sheds new light on everyday issues and frankly doesn’t give a monkey’s toss what you think about it.
George wrote:
“Last month, I finally plucked up the courage to tell my mum and dad (who are somewhere to the right of Attilla the Hun) that not only am I gay but am HIV positive as well. To my surprise, they took the news really well. I’m still their son, they still love me and I should have told them years ago bla, bla, bla. This gave me the balls to tell my boss and two of my work colleagues/favourite hags and they were also supportive to a man (there may even be a sympathy promotion in the works!) Now, I’m faced with a dilemma…should I take the bull by the horns and tell my partner of ten years?”
SS replies:
Hey, seems as good a time as ever to do that. Tell you what; throw a surprise party and BBQ; invite the family, hook-ups and your work palls. Do it on a summer’s afternoon and hire a fly-by plane complete with banner. I’m sure he’ll be overjoyed by your honesty and chutzpah!
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Randy writes
“My partner and I like to have our gay married friends over for lunch or dinner but they always want to bring their adopted brats with them and show off how well they’re doing at school, or piano lessons, or drama classes. The problem is that basically, they’re antisocial, pampered monsters of mixed cultural origins. Catering is a nightmare thanks to Tao’s nut allergies, or Idi’s chocolate induced bed-wetting dreams and their free-thinking daddies see absolutely no problem with creative crayoning on our designer furniture. We love the dads and pre-kids, we loved the dads quite often when the mood took us but now being expected to ooh and ah at their offspring’s inane chattering is putting a strain on the friendship to say the least. We don’t want to lose our friends (with benefits) but my partner is threatening to invite lesbians next time if nothing’s done about it. What can I do?”
SS replies:
Oh this is an easy one. Invite them over as normal and when they turn up, tell little Tao and Idi you’ve got a surprise for them. Find somewhere out of the way (the cellar might do) and tell them they’re going to have a competition as to who can learn to masturbate first (complete with videos and illustrated sex manuals) then leave them to it. There could well be problems later and you may have a bit of explaining to do when the child protection authorities turn up but I’m sure if you tell the tale, they’ll totally understand and in the short term, you’ll be sure of a kiddy-free meal and maybe kiddy-free visits in the future.
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Gordon asks:
It’s only been three months and my new negative boyfriend has already gone off me sexually. I should have seen the signs when the first attempt at fucking took four goes before he could a) get the condom on, b) keep it stiff and c) make an entry. Since then he’s only screwed me twice more and pulls a face when I suggest that a blow job will be just as good. The problem is that the rest of our life together is fantastic and in almost every respect, he could be the one. We’ve even bought a gorgeous black Labrador together but I’m beginning to think he’d rather fuck Lucy than me. How can I save our relationship?
SS replies:
What’s so fantastic about it? Can it lick him to a climax faster than you can? Can it fetch the lube and change the porn channel? The dog I mean. However fantastic Lucy might be, she’s a classic substitute. Her sleek and shiny hair and melting brown eyes have replaced you as the object of your boyfriend’s attention and after only three months! Why the hell did you commit to a substitute child before even consummating the relationship? Now you’re little more than his comfort blanket who keeps him warm and provides endless doggy biscuits and rubber toys for the canine. He just doesn’t need sex with you any more – that bus has gone – and far be it from me to throw in the HIV conundrum but I’m not sure his heart was ever in it honey and the dog’s advantage is that it isn’t HIV+!
Have you got a big bank balance? That plus unconditional love from Lucy could mean no nookies for you I’m afraid – your man’s just too comfortable. There is one way to find out. Find his best male friend outside the relationship (if it’s a member of his family, all the better) and make a move on it. Get him worried and shake his security foundations. Introduce sexual competition and bring round the mangy neighbour’s pooch to give Lucy fleas and maybe sex with you won’t seem so ‘wrong’ any more. Don’t think you can wait this one out and it’ll get better – it won’t - time for terrorist action…or else ditch the bitch!
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Carlos asks:
How do I stop my boyfriend from shouting, ‘Are you sure this is safe?’ every time he climaxes inside me? I’m not too keen on the; ‘Are you sure the condom won’t break?’ either (more than a few times that one!) it tends to kill the mood and is hardly romantic. Don’t get me wrong, me being positive doesn’t bother him a bit and he’s as horny as a goat morning, noon and night. It’s just that ejaculation makes him shout out irritating things!
SS replies:
Hmm, way to make you feel good about your status. Trouble is with this sort of horn dog, their only purpose in life is to have sex and come and it’s only in the seconds after that that their conscience kicks in. It could be worse; he could shout ….’Convert me Mammy!’
I suggest you go to the accoutrements store and invest in a huge butt plug which you ram up his behind at the moment of truth; or a couple of industrial strength nipple clamps which you tug on really hard at the point of no return. As he’s clearly brain-dead until after he’s climaxed, he’ll just think you’re trying to make things more fun for him, when in fact you’re indulging in an age-old experiment that stops puppies shitting on the carpet. He’ll soon learn to associate ejaculation with pleasurable, if intense pain instead of triggering off deep-seated fears of contracting HIV. Anyway, if the sex is that often and that good, you shouldn’t be trying to make him feel guilty about shouting out deep-seated fears, you need to keep him at it…just with a few different motivational impulses.
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Robert asks:
I’ve got a bit of a dilemma. I’ve been contacted on BBRT by a guy I used as a punch bag all through school. It’s because he was fat and gross (and by the looks of his photo, still is but is clearly abnormally well-endowed!). He wants a sex date but he hasn’t said a word about the fact that I used to be his worst nightmare when we were teenagers. What do I do?
SS responds:
Okay, this is clearly one of two things. Either he assumes you’re both adults now and he’s magnanimously prepared to let bygones be bygones and thinks you’ll feel guilty enough to grant him a pity-fuck. Or on the other hand, you could be entirely responsible for having turned him into a slavering masochistic pig, with slave tendencies, at an early age and he wants and assumes he’s going to get more of the same, only this time he’ll lick your boots for it.
Depending on how sadistic you’re feeling (and I assume the leopard never has changed his spots) you can invite him round; get him stripped down to a quivering mass of blubber and shove his head down the toilet with the immortal words: ‘Some things never change fatboy…never’. C’mon, isn’t that what you really want to do? Otherwise you would have trashed his contact message straight away. Have fun!
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Jerry asks:
I’m HIV positive, my love life’s a mess and I’ve been dumped a thousand times because of it. Recently I’ve been trying my luck in the senior citizens pool where they’re grateful for the attention and less freaked out by the virus. I met this guy who I’d seen a few times years ago. He’s 67, a sort of George Clooney-Lite, is an intellectual. He knows I’m positive and just as familiar with Heartbreak Hotel as me. He’s in the middle of breaking up with some seedy rent kid and we’ve been having a sort of text-relationship without the benefits. He likes to discuss world affairs in text-speak and seems to think he’s falling for me (meanwhile, I’m seeing this Asian kid for quickies on the side). I thought, oh well, better something than nothing, so I suggested we get together and make the fantasies more physical. He’s been to my place three times but sleeps in the spare room every time. He says that given our appalling relationship records, we should just carry on the way we are and why spoil a good thing? Now maybe it’s the challenge but I quite like him but we’ve got to have sex soon or I’ll explode. Should I just go for it and jump his bones, or should I settle for the Asian kid with a poor grasp of English? Can you help?
SS replies:
My god sweetie, you redefine the word ‘shallow’ don’t you? Now I understand that half an hour after eating Asian, you’re hungry again but really that kid with limited intellect deserves better than you. As for grandpa, he doesn’t want to have sex with you, either because he’s terrified of the virus, or he just can’t get it up anymore both luckily saving him from having to deal with your embarrassing premature ejaculation problem (you don’t say it but I’m right aren’t I?) but neither of those possibilities have crossed your mind have they? You wonder why you’re a relationship disaster movie! You should do two things: a) buy a fleshlight and some daddy porn and b) wait until technology lets us have personality transplants but in the meantime please don’t go near another human being ever again.
Finally dears; as the immortal Dennis Rodman once said:
“I couldn't care less if the guy I'm guarding has HIV. I'm going to slam him anyway.”